Adam Jensen's Birthday Bash
by BurgerLover
Summary: When Adam Jensen, from Deus Ex: Human Revolution downloads his Birthday DLC, he discovers the truth behind his mother and who really started the Illuminati and why they started it. Join Jensen in this action sci-fi adventure.
1. Ch4pt3r 0n3: J3n53n'5 m15510n

Ch4pt3r 0n3: J3n53n'5 m15510n

Adam Jensen was sitting in his augmented car, whacking it off for no particular reason. -TRANSMITTING- "Jensen, where the hell are you?" It was the voice of Pritchard. "God damn it Pritchard, I don't have time for your bullshit." Jensen Jensened. "Jensen, this is important. It has to do with getting my protocols through a safety deposit that may or may not have extra praxes for you." Pritchard informed. "I'm listening." Said Jensen in his Jensen voice. "Well you have to cap Mr. Sarif because I think he's evil illuminati." Pritchard said. "Well I don't have any reason to believe you Pritchard. In fact, if anyone's evil around here, Francis, I think it would be you, you little prick. " Jensen pwned. "Excuse me Jensen, I AM THE GREATEST COMPUTER WIZARD ALIVE. And you are but a filthy American." Pritchard stated. Jensen chose the COOLDICK option. "Yea, that's why you have posters of me everywhere in your apartment." Jensen Jensened, while crossing his arms; as it is the only animation he can do while talking. "HOW DO YOU KN...I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about. Now get to it Jensen!" Pritchard pricked, then turned off his transmitter. Jensen put the coordinates of his mission into his thingamobobber and he set off to find Mr. Sarif at Sarif Industries (TM). He accidentally bumped into a Civilian. "Excuse me." Jensen Jensened. "DAYUM FUKIN AUG GET DA HELL OUTTA MAH FACE YOU SCUM!" The Civilian yelled at Jensen. Jensen chose the SMARTASS option."I didn't know it was your birthday." Jensen monotoned. "What da he-?!" Jensen preceded to BIRTHDAY BEATDOWN the Civilian right in front of the cops. They didn't care because he was black. Jensen then continued on his path to Sarif Industries (TM). He opened the door and everything looked the same as usual. He walked up to Mr. Sarif's office, but he wasn't there. Suddenly the security went on red alert. -TRANSMITTING- "Jensen, help me! The Evil Hackers Who Are Not With the Illuminati (C) are here! Gaggg!..." Pritchard managed to say to Jensen. "Pritchard?" Jensen Jensened. NEW OBJECTIVE SAVE PRITCHARD appeared in thingamobobber. Jensen did not change emotions and instead took out beer can and drank it. His vision began to blur. "Ugh." Said that first-person voice that sounds absolutely nothing like Jensen.


	2. Along the Road To El Tramlawo

Chapter 2: Along the Road... To El Tramlawo

Jensen decided 'fuck that' and quick loaded right before he walked into Sarif Industries. "I guess I better get going." Jensen monotoned and began walking towards an alleyway. A rusty nailed shut building caught his attention so he pushed 'E' on it. The supposedly nailed shut door opened like it was brand new, revealing a Super Walmart(R). -TRANSMITING- "OH GOODIE DIA Dalei!" Screamed Malik. She was a lesbian, and like all lesbians, she loved Walmart. "JENSEN! BUY ME SHIT OKAY?" A "S1" Marker appeared on Jensen's Vizard shades. Jensen went to the weapons section first. It was ghetto, run down, and looked how the place with the rusty door was supposed to look like, not a damn Super Walmart(R). "YEAH RIGHT!" A ratso-looking heathen sat in a small GoKart, finishing off someone using a Skeleton Bowling Bomb. He turned to Jensen. "Neeeaaa." He huffed some weed. "Sorry bout' dat. The little punk miser tried to leave wit'out payin'." Ratso jourseyed. "I'm looking for-" options to finish Jensen's sentence popped up. "Someone with a birthday wish", "Weapons", "Lesbian Guru Advice", "Porn".


	3. Side Quest 2 Electric Boogaloo

Chapter 3: Side Quest 2 Electric Boogaloo

"Someone with a birthday wish." Jensen said while the camera zoomed in on his non-HD face. "Neeeeaaaah. Get da hell outta mah face kid!" The ratso looking heathen smashed a skeleton bomb on Jensen's head and his augmentations went haywire as he passed out. Jensen woke up in an abandoned Asian factory, naked, except had his glasses on, strapped to an electric chair. "Heh. I see you were trying to ruin my plans, Jensen." Said a woman walking around Jensen. "Malik?" Jensen asked. "HUH? HOW DID YOU...uh no, I'm Megan." Malik stuttered. "Bitch please, I know that lesbian voice from 3500 miles away. Plus, if you were Megan, you would've properly fucked me, then the next morning, in anger, chop off my dick and feed it to the hounds." Jensen monotoned. "Ugh. Fine...Jensen...I didn't want to be the one to tell you this...but my most favorite place in the world..." Malik began. "Is an evil illuminati corporation that has been brainwashing 'save money, live better' into people's heads since the 1960s." Jensen finished. "How did you..?" Malik asked. Jensen chose the QUESTIONAIRE option, "That really doesn't explain why I'm strapped to this electric chair NAKED." Jensen briefly angered in his unpaid intern voice. "Sorry Jensen. I wanted to look at a dick to remind myself why I'm a lesbian." Malik shoved her arms awkwardly into her sides, as it is the only animation females can do. "However, I was highly disappointed to see that these parts of you were removed and replaced by cogs." Malik staticted. "Sorry to disappoint you." Jensen monotoned. "So anyway, I need you to do a bunch of shit for me to unlock your ultimate upgrade." Malik lesbianly informed. "I'm listening." Jensen Jensened. "Ok so first you need to murder a gang, then steal a secret phone, then place bombs on a counter, then take a hot picture of yourself with Pritchard's phone and use it as blackmail to get Sarif's password to the great database that is Target." Malik informed. Jensen chose DETAILS. "What the fuck does this have to do with anything?" Jensen angered, but monotonously. "Sorry Jensen, I wish I could tell you more, but I can't." Malik informed. Jensen was not happy, but the cold air was starting to shrivel his nips and cogs so he ripped free from the electric chair. "Dayum Spyboy." Malik niggaed. Jensen pushed 'Q' on Malik which performed an instant bitchslap birthday beatdown on Malik. However 'ZZZ' was still on Malik so she was alive. Jensen carefully placed a piece of birthday cake on top of Malik's knocked out body because he didn't want to be a dick to his one and only lesbian friend. Jensen found his gear and set off to do his side quest that was actually tied to his main quest of bringing down the illuminati corporation that was Walmart: with Mr. Sarif involved somehow.


	4. Long roads are flash bangs!

Chapter 4 : Long roads are flash bangs!

Jensen blasted through the Walmart wall with his wall-breaking strength upgrade. He epically cinematically destroyed it with power, but then a Walmart employee beckoned him away. They engaged in conversation. "I'm sorry, this area is off limits for now." The employee monotoned. Jensen did not get to say anything but his vision went black for two seconds and he was warped to in front of the Walmart entrance. Jensen shrugged and walked in the obvious entrance. "Malik, do you read me? There seems to be nothing inconspicu-" RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! A flashbang flash banged Jensen's eyes and ears causing him to have a flashback!

Jensen was in a building of some sort- a recording studio. He climbed a long spiraling staircase. When he reached the top he was greeted by "I'm sorry, this area is off limits for-" Jensen smashed the poor bastards head into the nearest office desk. The other civilians around freaked out and started cowering uselessly. Jensen awkwardly awkward stared at the civilians. He tried pressing "E" but none of them talked. Jensen looked around and saw a civilian that was not freaking out. He was sitting at his desk, pouting. Jensen pulled up to him in his high-speed Farrari. "What's wrong with you?" Jensen monotone asked the air rather than the man pouting. The man turned his computer monitor to face Jensen. It was a picture of a burger and a BK stamp on it. Jensen understood instantly. "I understand." He began to walk away. A "S0" appeared on his HUD. He ignored it, because it was not the time yet. Jensen blasted through the big swinging doors in the office that triggered a cinematic. "...is insane! You can not afford it!" Jensen's ears were pierced by a demonic lesbian voice. His mouth dropped open - at least that is what Jensen imagined, but because Jensen does not have big mouth opening animation his mouth crackled down 1mm. "Suzette!" Shouted Jensen in a anger monotone fashion. "Af-" the woman stopped. "Jen-Jensen? My god... It really is you." She spoke as she got up form her recording desk. Jensen awkwardly stood in front of her. "What is it my dear?" she cooed. "Suze." Jensen began. "Can I... can I afford it?" He pinched himself in his brain. "Well, they don't call me Suze Organ for nothing! What organs are you looking to buy?" Suze suzed. "I want the Smart Visi-" Deus Ex was birthday beat downed by the vary woman who raised him- his true mother. "DENIED!" Screeched Suze Organ one inch from the beaten blistered baby Adam who was lying on the floor. "But," Suze started again helping Jensen up. "I did not forget your birthday gift." Suze pulled something out of her dress. "Here, praxis kits." Suze smiled holding them out. "Mom- I mean- Mr. Organ- Ugh Ms. Org-" Jensen was fucked. Suze Organ grew blades out of her ears. "DONT YOU EVER CALL ME MR. YOU SON OF A-RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!" Jensen vision was coming back, he had to get out of there fast. He covered out of the Walmart store and then alert went back down to normal. Jensen took a moment to contemplate what that whole flashback meant... And then it hit him... Or rather Prichard told him. "Jensen, that flashback was quite sexually inducing. I have determined the cause to be that you forgot to complete that S0 side quest, for that Burger craving man." Jensen's eyes opened wide with fear... Or at least they moved up 1mm. "Damn, I gotta get him a burger!" Yelled Jensen, for the first time in a non monotonous fashion.


	5. The Hive

Chapter 5: The Hive

Jensen ran as fast as he could to the nearest WenDonald's (in the future Wendy's and McDonald's combined to destroy that consumerist propaganda that is the Burger King SatisFry) and bought a BigDeluxeMac, because apparently in the future smoking is allowed, so the Super Sizers are also back. He checked his HUD and saw where that man was. He went to The Hive, the most upbeat and miniature club any guy has ever seen. Jensen was greeted by the bouncer. "Sorry kid, you gotta pay to get in." The bouncer said. Jensen chose the LEAVE option and decided to sneak in the back. He followed his S0 HUD marker, which brought him straight to a bartender. His CASIE system went online to decipher the man's personality. "Hey. You're Zuko right? That guy from The Last Airbender?" Jensen Jensened. "Wut a da fuk you want you fukin Americanu. I in season tree of Korra. nao bitches." Zuko replied while cleaning a cup. "I brought you a burger." Jensen handed Zuko the Burger. Zuko stared at the burger for a good ten seconds, and Jensen's persuasion meter plummeted below the set range. Zuko's eyes lit on fire and he grabbed Jensen by the neck. "YOU A GOT ME A FUCKIN WENDONARD'S BURGER WHEN I SPECIFICARRY ASK FOR FUCKIN BURGER KING YOU MOTHA FUCKA!" Zuko raged as he strangled Jensen angrily. "Calm...ahhhggg..." Jensen's systems began shutting off. Zuko threw Jensen through the ground and out of The Hive. Zuko then transformed The Hive into a fully operational battle Transformer. "HAH! You fukas arways wonder why there no peepo in this crub, it's cuz it's my transforma!" Zuko yelled through his mic in his bar office that was the front of the Transformer. Zhao also appeared next to Zuko. "MAI. You're in on this too?" Jensen coughed. "Of course. It is my and Zuko's dream to take over the population through Walmart. Did you really think it was that dimwit Darrow or Sarif?! Men always underestimate women." Mai cackled in her asiany monotonous voice. "Damn. Malik I need some cover ASAP." Jensen communicated over the telecommunication. "Sorry SpyBoy, no can do, they've got Sarif industries under chaos...looks like you're on your own for now." Malik lesbianed. "Damn." Jensen angered monotonously. Jensen prepped his arm blades for battle.

Jensen quick loaded.

He sat back and went to the WenDonald's rester aunt, with the burger in hand. "Hi, I ordered his burger but it seems there was a mistake. I'd like a refund please." Jensen Jensened. "Alright sir, there you are." The random bitch handed money back and took the bag with burger. Just as Jensen barely brushed the door open to leave. "Sir wait!" She cried. "Yes?" Jensen asked. "Would you like fries with that?" She asked awkwardly. Holding a sack of fries. "Yes. Yes I would. Come here and give me to me." Jensen Jensened. She approached Jensen and when in 2m range Jensen USED TYPHOOONNNNN. BOOOOOMM BOOM BOOMB OMBOMBOMBOMBOMBBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMBOMB. The whole fuckin building came down, but the lady remained and so did Jensen. He looked her straight in the eyes, but she could not because Jensen is a glasses fgt, and waited. The fries in her hand vaporized and in replacement she pulled a piece of paper out of her ass and gave it to Jensen. It automatically forced itself into Jensen's inventory. "A restraint order?!" Jensen panicked. "Yes, from all Burger and Fries rester aunts including but not limited to KFC, Burger Industries, Sarif's Burgers, -" Jensen stopped her. "Sarif's burgers?" He questioned. "Yes, it's Mr. Sarif's meat grill. You should go some time- oh wait you can't anymore! Anyway, WenDonalds and BurgerKing rester aunts." Jensen's mouth opened in terror. He couldn't get into BK LEGALLY! He had no choice but to Sneak in!

He waddled away in shame and headed off to solve this quests.


	6. Illuminati

Chapter 6: Illuminati

Jensen found a local BK and found a convenient air shaft in the back of the restaurant. He snuck in, and it led to the bathroom. The girl's bathroom. He heard two hobos banging it in a stall, but they were busy so he snuck by undetected. He checked his radar and discovered the location of the kitchen. He snuck by three employees and was about to get into the kitchen when suddenly a hoard of anti-augmented food clubs barged into BK. "NO MORE CALORIES! YOU'VE BEEN OPPRESSING US FAR TOO LONG WALRUS KING!" One rioter shouted (in the future BK's mascot is a walrus because). The group was led by none other than that social justice warrior, William Taggart. "Now now everyone, it's time we put an end to this heathenly food chain in a calm, peaceful manner, amirite?" Taggart cheered to his followers. "Burger King employees, I peacefully ask you to stop serving people your dastardly food." Taggart shouted peacefully. "Sir, would you like fries with that?" The bitch at the register asked. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Taggart fell into a fit of RAEG and preceded to rip the cash register from its position and smash it onto the bitch's head. Taggart's followers cheered in a mobbly manner. The bitch should have been dead, but instead, she glitched, and rose. "We didn't want to have to do this but...WALMART EMPLOYEES ASSEMBLE!" The bitch commanded. The BK employees, who were actually Walmart employees, revealed their high-tech augmented gear bodies and prepared for battle. The bitch, who was actually some side-quest lady that was somewhat important, turned to Jensen and said, "Jensen, join us. You were created just the same as us, to serve Walmart and our FireLord and Lady. Also the illuminati for some reason." Jensen's systems began to malfunction. "No...no! This can't be! I...I'm not!" Jensen actually showed emotion for the first time ever. "Jensen, you can't fight it. Think about it. When you were first hired, what did Sarif buy you for lunch?" The lady asked. "No..." Jensen said. "And on your first date with Megan, where did you go?" The lady asked again. "NO." Jensen said. "And when Malik dropped you off, what was the first store you saw?" The lady asked yet again. "NO!" Jensen held his head. "And when you were attacked by the assassins...what was your killer holding in his left hand?" The lady revealed. "NOOOOOOOOO! Jensen had a angsty memory flashbacktage of all the burgers he had seen, all with illuminati triangles on them. Jensen used Typhoon but it was no use, the lady grabbed Jensen's arm. "Sarif made you this way because you are the perfect DNA match...you are...destined to become the CEO of WalmartKing. We will merge and once again rule this world." The lady revealed to Jensen. "Not if I stop you..." Jensen bested himself into the ground. "Take him away. We need to deal with Taggart and his anti-food conspiracy army first." The lady beckoned two men to drag Jensen away as his vision faded out.


	7. Chapter NULL

Chapter NULL

Jensen awakened and when he came too he was like a fire puppy who had just finished nipping in her mothers penisless ness. Jensen realized this made no sense, and had an error "NULL." His face said and then he exploded. He awoke again and found his captors were dead and he was in the urinal! Like face first in the urinal! Jensen spat, but then realized he had 'WASHINGMACHINETECHV2' activated, so he auto cleaned and defrauded his face. Now he was sexy again. His glasses activated and he ran out if the bathroom. The rester aunt was deserted, and he had no where to run- except the front door. So he casually walked and left. He saw in horror many protestors slaughtered on the ground before him. Jensen pity gazed at a dead hobo. *cough* "I...I..." *cough cough* Jensen leaned in. "I'm listening." But then player accidentally hit F2. "FUCK!" A godly echo was heard throughout the world as Jensen for some reason stopped talking to the old hobo and used his Typhoon. It killed any surviving protestors. "Why... Why did I do that... Am I really destined to be illuminati WalKing? But Jansens thought trail was interrupted as a broadcast caught his eye. It was Pritchard- broadcasting on national TV! "I, Prichard El Penile, would like to thank all of you for helping me. Everyone fell for my trap, and I have taken capture the Fire King and Queen. Also Taggart. Because Taggart was a faggot. Thank you all, I am now your new ruler." Pritchard pricked. Jensen smashed his face in to the ground and cried. "Pritchard is evil... Pritchard, My...one...true..."


	8. Douche Ex: Machinima

Chapter 7: Douche Ex: Machinima

"Nemesis." Jensen made a fist and recalled his flashbacks with Pritchard. He recalled Pritchard being a jock in high school while Jensen was but a lowly nerd. Pritchard constantly beat the shit out of Jensen and gave him wedgies. Jensen had a crush of Megan, but Pritchard stole her at prom from him! Oh wait, it was the other way around, haha! Jensen remembered. -TRANSFERRING- Pritchard prickly stated, "Hah. You imbecile, you fell for my plot once and for all you no good -sexy- douche!" "You won't get away with this." Jensen Jensened. "Oh, but I already HAVE JENSEN." Pritchard cackled in a gay way. "Show yourself coward." Jensen monotoned. "Fine. I'd like to finally murder you, as I've always fantasized about in high school!" Pritchard blasted a beam of light and then he appeared. Jensen took out his blades and prepared for battle. He used all sorts of guns and typhoon BOOM BOOM BOOMS on Pritchard but nothing was working. "HAH! My super high-tech Aug shield is impenetrable." Pritchard snickered in that way that makes you want to kill babies. "Damn." Jensen slumped over, bested by the nerd. Pritchard rose high into the air and revealed...three options! "Jensen, I've rigged this whole continent to blow in2 minutes, and you only have time to save one person. You can either save Malik, who I've tied to a Walmart, Megan, who is currently working as a zookeeper, or Taggart, who has the cure for cancer!" Pritchard laughed. Jensen looked at each option carefully and panicked over which person he should save. Jensen pounced on Pritchard instead. "Pritchard. I know why you did all this." Jensen...took off his glasses. Pritchard GASPED. "J...Jensen?" Pritchard asked worriedly, as Jensen NEVER takes off his glasses EVER. "Jensen...I've never seen your eyes before. Ching Chang Chong?" Pritchard said. Jensen pushed Q to slap Pritchard. "Pritchard...I'm sorry." Jensen said. "For what?" Pritchard asked. "I realize that I...forgot your birthday." Jensen said. "W...WHAT?! JENSEN NOOO STOP NO NO NO!" Pritchard panicked, but his weak nerdy body was no match for Jensen's cog powers. Jensen then SMASHED THE Q BUTTON FEROCIOUSLY AND MADE PRITCHARD WISH HE WAS NEVER BORN AS HE ATE HIS FLESH. When Jensen was done, he took a look at the options for the rest of the game. "Jensen! Aren't you going to save us?!" Megan screemed. Jensen pushed a button and his glasses came back on. "Sorry, but I think I'm too much of a Douche-Ex to let that happen. Jensen cracked a 1mm smile, which was outside his parameters, and proceeded to walk out of the continent as explosions went haywire.

Dumb Epilogue Scene

There was pictures of baby elephants from 1897 and died from plague and douche Jensen said "Godspeed illuminati."


End file.
